Tonight’s heading for this post isn’t quite as inspirational as all the others thus far. It’s kind of a throw-your-hands-in-the-air and f*** it beginning to this blog post. Today began as any normal Monday, in fact, better than most Mondays. Everyone got off the school and work, my daycare kiddos were well behaved from morning through afternoon nap.
All the while, though, there was an underlying frustration to my day. I started to realize that all the time I had taken out of my weekend to do things for everyone else left me completely unprepared to get back to my diet this week. I didn’t prepare any menus, make a grocery list, do any grocery shopping, block out time to work out. The one thing I did do that was really important to me was take advantage of the free Christmas tree harvest in my neighborhood. I found and cut my own tree, brought it home and measured/trimmed everything myself, got it secured in a stand, and decorated it with all the perfect, woodsy, rustic decorations I imagined it should have.
I was damn proud of my tree. I just put the last ornaments on it as the daycare kiddos were waking up from nap. Then, not even 1 to 2 minutes later, I was sitting on the floor next to the tree with my baby and suddenly my 12 year old casually says, “Uh, mom, the tree — .” I look up to the see the three older toddlers each pulling as hard as they can on a branch, and my beautiful tree crashed to the floor. It hit the ottoman and the couch as it fell, the gallon of water in the base spilled into my living room carpet, ornaments, beads, and lights went flying all the living room. I screamed thinking the kids might have pulled it down on themselves, but everyone was in the clear. My scream only scared the baby and the poor little guy burst into tears.
My older kids glanced up from whatever devices they were on, then looked back down carried on as if nothing happened. The daycare kiddos were wide-eyed and shocked, maybe even a little proud of themselves for their accomplishment of pulling a 9′ red cedar to the floor. As for me, I choked back tears as I rushed to get the tree back up. No one helped. I had to nag at my middle two kids to help hold the tree in place so I could reposition it on the stand and loosen and retighten the screws to get it standing again, but the base of the tree was damaged when the screws scraped against the trunk as it fell over. No matter how I tried, I couldn’t get the tree tight enough in the stand. I’m going to have to come up with some creative solution to reinforce the trunk so it can stand again.
Right now, I’m laying in my bed on my back, typing this on my phone while tears spill out of my eyes and roll down the sides of my face and into my ears. Some of you might think this is a total overreaction to a Christmas tree falling over, but it is much more than that. I take care of nearly everything around this house — except for one thing. Me. It takes a huge mental toll on me everyday and leaves no energy left over for the things I love to do. For those who don’t know this about me, I LIVE for this time of year. I love Christmas, I love winter, I love the lights, the decorations, snow, warm winter clothes, Christmas movies (the cheesier the better!), baking, making candies, hell even my birthday is just days before Christmas. This is MY time of year, everyone close to me knows this, they even tease me about it and make fun of my winter obsession. This is all the more reason why I am so upset that my tree that I have worked so hard on for 3 days is now destroyed, naked, and shoved into the corner of my living room propped up against the wall. THIS is important to me. THIS is something that is a very significant part of what makes me “me”. THIS is something that I love and look forward to every year. And no one gives a shit enough to even try to help me get the damn tree standing again. I’ll sure I’ll end up decorating the whole damn thing all over again by myself, I did it the first time, I can do it again.
But it makes me think about other things like this on a much deeper level. Why is it that the things that are most important to me often go ignored? People always to try to give me that crap that kind of goes like, ” Well, Amie, you allow people to treat you like this,” or “you’re just a typical “doormat” who lets people walk all over them.” Oh, there are sooooo many more phrases I hear very often, so please, don’t even bother…
1. Since we’re already on the topic, let’s take the tree for instance. I was choking back tears seeing what I had worked so hard on for 3 days be completely destroyed in 2 seconds. I was frantically trying to fix the situation while sitting in the soggy carpet that had just soaked up a gallon of tree water, yet I had to nag and nag and nag through a trying-not-to-cry cracking voice to even get someone to put a hand on the tree to keep it from crashing on my head while I tried to get it standing again. No help with something that was very important to me.
2. Loosing this damn weight. No support in my home. Zero. I understand that I need to do this for me and my own health, but no one shows any interest at all. I NEED HELP, though, I have been very straightforward and vocal about this all along. Most of the time, I get irritated faces and annoyed sighs when I leave the house to go for my 5K walks/runs. I’m sure my kids don’t care if I loose the weight or not, they’ve only ever seen me as their fat mom and can never picture me any other way. It is of no importance to them at all, I’ll just remain the same, embarrassingly overweight mom they’ve always known. No help with something that is very important to me.
3. Help around the house. No one will lift a finger unless I nag, and whine, and complain, and then start getting rude, and eventually yell. You have no idea how much more time I would have to devote to exercising and staying on top of my meals and logging calories/nutrients if I wasn’t the one everyone looks to for being responsible for everything in this house. I can’t do it all, it is physically impossible. Not to mention, I simply do not want to do it all. (I. HATE. WASHING. DISHES.) There are 6 people living in this home, 6 people who should equally share in maintaining and caring for this home — not 1 person taking care of the everyday life messes of all 6 people PLUS the 6 additional children who come here for daycare every day. No help with something that is very important to me.
I’m going to try my best to think positively and tell myself that after I sleep on it things aren’t going to seem as bad tomorrow, but I can’t convince myself to do that because it’s simply not true. Nothing will have changed during the few hours of crappy sleep I (might) get tonight. The same problems that are keeping me up tonight are still going to be there in the morning. I will still have zero support with my diet, I will still have zero help maintaining a household where 12 people live/eat/play almost daily, and I will still have zero support or interest in any of the things that are important to me and make me happy.
As much as I would love some gin right about now, I’m going to do the adult thing and drink my herbal sleeptime tea and force myself to keep my eyes closed to try and fall sleep.
Sorry for this downer of a blog post, but these are a few struggles that affect my diet and motivation daily. I know there will be plenty more that I’ll gripe about along the way, too. So, as I sign off for tonight, I will flip this Monday the finger and imagine that my herbal is something much stronger…g’ night.