Leonardo da Vinci said is best in the opening quote above. And when the heart is hurt continually, sometimes the tears spill into the dish water while you stand in the kitchen at 10:00pm, wearing your pajamas, angrily scrubbing pots and pans. At least no one can hear your tears when they fall into the sink…can’t say the same for the sobs…but at least the tears fall silently…

There was a plan to go out on the town tonight, there is a very famous fake holiday in Manhattan, KS that happens the Saturday before St. Patrick’s Day every year. 🍀Fake Patty’s Day🍀 I’ve lived here through 5 of these fake holidays and haven’t gone once. This year was supposed to end that streak of staying at home while the whole town is out having a great time, drinking drinks that have been dyed green, wearing ridiculous green clothes and accessories, reading the hilarious tweets the Riley County Police Department posts all day/night, taking crazy pictures of their fun all night with people they love to spend time with. As you probably guessed by the foreshadowing in the opening paragraph, I did not go. Again.

I made dinner early, had hair/makeup done and was dressed and ready to go at 6:30. Then, there I sat. Dressed in my Fake Patty’s Day goin’-out clothes for 3 hours before I gave up and changed into my pajamas, all the while choking back tears. I washed off my makeup, took my contacts out, and went to the kitchen to anger-clean because it’s the only productive thing I could think to do while my kids all stared at the rivers that had started flowing down my cheeks . And they knew why. They always know why mom’s crying. I try so hard not to do it in front of them, but continually being disappointed and let down, I mean come on, I can only be strong enough for so long before there’s nothing left to hold it in anymore.

This was the shittiest way to end this week, too. I had such great success with my new health and wellness products, I am in shock and completely amazed at the immediate changes I saw after only using these new products for 8 days. I’ll try and be positive and motivated to write about them tomorrow, but not now while I am so sad.

I have a team meeting tomorrow afternoon for my new health and wellness business, then I’m off to the Stiefel Theater in Salina, KS to relax and hear some beautiful classical music for the evening. I have 2 tickets, so one of my kids will get to be my date (oh lord, can you imagine any of my kids sitting through a orchestral concert, completely unplugged of all electronics for over an hour?!). Then, when I get home, I’ll plan out how I’m going to navigate the silent-treatment waters, yet again. This time, though, I cannot be the one to end the silence and speak up. I can’t be the one setting everything straight again when I haven’t a clue what even happened in the first place. All I know is that far too often someone decides he is going to be mad at all of us in this house, but we don’t get to know why. We all have to guess what set him off and then just tip toe around on eggshells trying not to anger him when none of us have a clue what is even going on. Then, as suddenly as the anger came on, he acts like we were all acting crazy because he was never mad about anything, we all just imagined it, totally made it up inside our heads. This is mentally and emotionally exhausting, and I can’t do it anymore.

I am going to pick a song that does NOT describe my current feelings tonight. I’m picking Ed Sheeran’s “Perfect”…because I wish there was someone in this world who thought of me like this. There should be, but there isn’t. Goodnight to you all, tomorrow will be better….

~~ Amie