I have not blogged in quite a while. Life has been truly crazy and moving way too fast. Christmas, which is normally my favorite time of year, was unusually stressful and I had a very hard time getting into my typical Christmas craziness. Teenagers throwing around teenagery attitudes were the main reason for my atypical Scrooge-ness, but the whole season just seemed off. It was the last year we would have Christmas in our house with all 4 of our kids living under the same roof, and that hit pretty hard. And it was also strange feeling I kept having, at all our Christmas gatherings I had an overwhelming feeling that this same time next year was going to be very different…I didn’t know how or why at that time, but unfortunately the last 2 months have revealed it.
We began 2019 with a loss on my husband’s side of the family. We lost his grandmother, Beverly. I never had the chance to know her when she was not bound to a wheelchair, so seeing all the slideshow pictures at her service was like meeting a new person. It reiterated to me how we all have people enter and exit our lives at different stages along our life’s journey, and that we may only have the chance to get to know a very small portion of who they are. I wish she had been able to know me before pregnancy hormones dumbed down my brain and made me stupid, before I was fat and unhealthy…and I wish I had known her, too, when she still fished and traveled, we had more in common than I realized.
2019 kept moving right along, though, and decided to keep things balanced by taking someone on my side of the family as well. Yesterday, we lost my Aunt Geri to cancer. She had already undergone and completed treatment for breast cancer over the last year, but little did any of us know there was a second cancer lurking beneath, a much more aggressive and unforgiving cancer. Things progressed and declined very quickly and she passed yesterday afternoon.
I suppose one positive I can take away from both of these losses is that we knew they were coming. We had time to process and come to terms with both, and we had the chance to say goodbye. That’s not something we were able to do on my side of the family about 20 years ago when we suffered two big losses with no warning, those two are still hard to think about most days.
I have also been struggling with a difficult daycare situation for several months. Every Monday through Friday, week after week, month after month, I ended my work days 100% drained — mentally, physically, emotionally. Sadly, this situation resulted in me loosing that daycare child very abruptly with no warning. It hurts my heart trying to navigate tough situations with little ones, especially when I know the best things for them are things I can offer…stability, predictability, consistency, education, and simply allowing them to be kids. It also makes me beyond angry to be a punching bag for people who are struggling with their own issues outside of my business, things that have nothing to do with me. Just so there’s no question out there, let me say this– yes. Yes, there are good daycare providers in this world — in fact, most of us are. It’s unfortunate the world only hears about the very small percentage who are not, as we see on the news occasionally. There exists an army of bleeding hearts in this world who will do whatever it takes to do right by a child, even if it means dealing with difficult parents and taking insult after insult, blow after blow — simply because we want what’s best for those kids. This is the part of this job that breaks my heart and makes it tough to keep subjecting myself to this year after year.
So as for how this has affected my diet — NOT. GOOD. There have been so many emotions flooding my life for the last 4 months, it has been extremely hard to shut them out and just focus on what I’m putting in my mouth and trying to scrap together any amount of energy to work out. My weight is exactly the same, I look no different than before. I am so incredibly disappointed in myself than I have let yet ANOTHER year come to an end, and I look no different than I have for the last 18 years. Another big blow in all this — I turned 40 in December. I swear to myself over and over again that I would NOT be entering my 40s overweight and out of shape…but here I am…
As for what I’m going to do about this — I’m not sure yet. I need to get through this next funeral first. Then, I need to find a way to lessen stress with daycare. Then, I need to find a way to lessen stress with my own children.
I can’t end this blog with all stress and sadness, so I’ll tell you some good things that have happened since my last post.
The day after Christmas, we were gifted two guinea pigs who needed a new home! Charles (silver/white, age unknown) and Brownie (Black/white/tan, age 8 months). My youngest may love on them a little too much, but everyone is enjoying them. They each have their very own distinct personalities, and it’s very cute how they move and interact with each other.
We also babysat a hamster for a family while they moved. They ended up offering her to us to keep permanently. Now we own Minnie the hamster, too!
I will end my blog as I always do, with a song choice. I don’t think I can find a song to bring all these negative feelings of the last several months all together, so instead I’m going to simply off you all a feel-good tune that I just like listening to. Most people know that I am a big fan of Stevie Wonder. I mean, the dude has his own playlist in my music library — an honor only bestowed upon a very select, lucky few. Today I offer up one of my favorites that not many people here too often, “Do I Love Her” off the For Once In My Life album (1968). It’s mellow, lovey-dovey, and one I can easily listen to every day and never wear it out. I found a YouTube link to share since not many of my other music links have worked, so just click on the song title and have a listen. 😊
Hopefully, I can get back on tomorrow and catch on more on my diet failures and try and figure out why I haven’t made this weight loss happen yet! Later, all…