Since the last blog post, unfortunately there has been one more death, a family friend who I’ve known all my life, one of my parents’ friends from high school. He was the first of my parents circle of lifelong friends to pass. Sadly, I was unable to attend the memorial service they had in lieu of an actual funeral.
So, that marks three deaths for 2019. We can be done with this for this year; one is too many, three is too much. It always takes a while for emotions for upsetting events to really sink in for me, I’m sure because I don’t immediately break down and cry, people think I just don’t feel things deeply…that could not be further from the truth.
Emotions definitely affect the diet and exercise. For me, it’s tough to find motivation to run on a treadmill when someone’s life has just ended. And why is it that every memorial service, wake, or post-funeral reception is always stocked full of heavy, fatty, carb-loaded, sugar-laden dishes?! There’s an unspoken guilt, too, when you feel you can’t refuse all the free food that people have generously gifted you and your family, like you’re ungrateful and too uppity for their kindness. No, I am grateful, it’s just I would like to not send myself to an early grave after just watching another person be buried. I have way to much left to do before it is my turn to go.
There is good news, though, in the midst of all this sadness. My motivation has exploded over the last week. I got so many house projects done, and made huge progress on many more. I used a table saw for the first time ever by myself, and all fingers and eyes are still intact and functional!
The diet is full on and I have found time to exercise for several days in a row now. The step count on my Fitbit has reached over 15,000 for 5 days in a row now. I easily reach 10,000 steps every day just running a daycare, but I made sure to be up and moving even more. I keep seeing clothes pop up in my Amazon suggestions and I am sick of never being able to wear any of them, they aren’t available in my size and/or I know they’d look horrible on me. I’m just done with this. I have a dress that I WILL be fitting into to wear to my cousin’s wedding in mid-July. I even ordered new shoes to go with it. It. Will. Happen.
To expand a little on why I chose the title quote to this post…I have been feeling exceptionally restless for months now. I am certain I am not where I should be at age 40, but I am not certain of what that means, exactly. I’ve been feeling a sense of urgency pushing me every day…to get my house in order, to finish all my abandoned projects, to do more with the kids (even when my introvert batteries are already tapped out), to get my finances back on track so that I can retire someday, and mainly to get my health back. I’m not taking this as an omen, but rather a lesson to be learned from all the losses in the last 3-4 months.
We all waste time, thinking we’ll always have another chance, another day to do all the things we want — but we don’t. When I look back on the first part of my adult life, I feel I’ve wasted a lot of time. I wasted 18+ years being overweight and tired. I wasted many years trying to maintain friendships with people that I should’ve just let go. I’ve definitely wasted all those years not demanding more of myself and more out of relationships. I’ve been a huge doormat and have let myself be taken for granted and taken advantage of…
It really has made me think lately of just exactly what would happen if I were the one to die unexpectedly. What would happen to my kids, would they grow up to be good people and try to make this world a better place? How would my husband manage everything without being able to count on the fact that I’m always here, always at home, always holding everything together? What would happen to my daycare kids, would they find good providers who would care for them the same as me? In a nutshell, does my existence matter enough that my loss would matter? Have I left an mark on this world (positive, I hope)?
I’m not positive what all this restlessness and urgency means, but I’m going to find out. For my closing song today, we’re going Disney. I leave you with “Go the Distance” from Hercules. I don’t think there’s much to explain, the lyrics say it all — plus Alan Menken wrote some killer horn parts in that film score.📯