Welp, I am sad to report my annual vacation has ended. We spent 7 days in Colorado…Durango, San Juan Mountains, Vail, Estes Park, Rocky Mountains, Breckenridge, Denver… I always feels like my vacation is never long enough, though. I always need more do-nothing time, and that always seems to come up short somehow.

Since I ate like absolute CRAP for the last 10 days, today is a the start of a much needed detox. Thankfully, before I left for vacation, I had been hitting the gym pretty hard. Lots of cardio on two different machines and started adding back in strength training on all the machines. Even though I spent most of my vacation at elevations 7-12X higher than the 1,200ft where I live (not to mention that lack of oxygen), I actually faired pretty well when climbing all those mountains! When we reached the summit of one of the mountains in the Rockies, there were people who weighed much less than me, who appeared to be in much better health than, me who were absolutely dying simply walking around up there. Not gonna lie, made me pretty damn proud of my fat self that I was able to adapt better than them!

One thing that was pretty awesome was something we discovered up in the San Juan Mountains, there exists the cleanest air in the entire country — and filled my lungs with it as much as I could. It felt great, smelled so sweet. When we stopped at one scenic viewpoint, lungs full of all that precious air, all I could think was, “Dang, I wish I had my horn with me.” So, while we were driving I mentally started planning how to squeeze in more practice time every day. These chops need to get back in shape right along with the rest of my body. And I don’t mean strong enough to last an hour or two of playing each day, I mean performance ready. I need to start playing with an orchestra again this fall. Actually, I am going to be playing with an orchestra again this fall. I had the chance to fill in with the Emporia Municipal Band for their 4th of July concert and play with my college horn professor again. We talked briefly about me coming back to play with the Emporia Symphony Orchestra again this fall, and I just need to do it. I’m so lost without this part of my life. There are so many facets of my life that I have not prioritized for a long time, but that’s all changing.

As for other issues in my life that I blogged about…pretty much nothing has changed. Things just wax and wane as they always have, between “okay-ish” and “JFC, why am I still here?” I can’t keep giving chance, after chance, after chance…I’ve done that for almost 20 years now, I’m exhausted and miserable. So, plans have been planned and efforts are being made to set my life down a new path. A long path that’s going to take a little time. A path that chooses celebrating the things that make me “me”, going outside of the house and living life, meeting people and making connections, constantly improving not only my life but also the lives of all the people around me. Being loved the way I want and need to be loved. In an amazing coincidence, an Instagram account I follow posted my exact opening quote this morning…and how fitting that it’s a person exercising…in the mountains…on a journey. (Psst, I borrowed their quote photo…it’s originally a stock photo, soooo…credit goes to the internet, I guess?)

Today’s song is a little tricky. On one hand, I am filled with determination, hope, and motivation…but on the other, I’m fed up and frustrated as hell. I’m going to go with something with a positive message, but sounds a little in-your-face. Demi Lovato’s “Confident” gets the bill. She asks in the lyrics “what’s wrong with being confident?”. I’ll tell you what’s wrong with being confident — it scares the hell out of the people who refuse to change.

~~ Amie