I’ve had my entire adult life to learn what makes successful relationships, not just romantic relationships but also friendships, family relationships, business relationships and I think I have finally realized what’s been right in front of me all along.
Always keep trying.
I mean, is it really so much to ask? Just try. Just put in effort everyday. Some days, no, we don’t have the time or the energy for grand gestures or huge acts of kindness…but you need to find some way to try. The point I have reached is that I have consistently tried almost everyday of my adult life, and the other side only tries when it’s expected (birthdays and Christmas). Today, I found out two members of my family are potentially very sick. Both already have life threatening, chronic health conditions . . . so this is not good news. I message the one person who should be the one who I can tell everything, cry to, lean on, and after two texts I get back a “Yikes. That’s not good….” No shit. As perviously mentioned in other posts, there have been three deaths already in 2018: one on his side, one on my side, and a long-time family friend on my side. Those were already too much to handle, and I received zero support, was offered no shoulder to cry on through any of it. I tried to be the shoulder to cry on for him with the death on his side, but he kept finding ways to never be home for me to even try, or he always made sure there were others around so it hindered my chances of trying to talk about any personal issues or feelings. And now that I am staring at not one but TWO more people in my family in very poor health…I just don’t know if I can handle this all on my own again. Trying to remain optimistic, but I also have to face the reality of this, too. Should things go downhill and I am left to cry everything out all on my own, all over again…welp, I guess that’s his way of telling me (without having to speak a word to me because we all know how words are hard) that he’s done with me, too.
I did not want to go to the gym tonight, but I did anyways. I rode there with him in total silence, did my workout on one machine, called it good, and went outside to sit on the curb and cry until he was done. My water bottle may have accidentally slipped out of my hand with such force that it shattered all over the parking lot, sending ice cubes flying everywhere. Then, when he was done he came out, unlocked the car, and got in without saying one word to his wife who was sobbing in the gym parking lot like a drunk college girl in a bar bathroom. We drove home the same way we drove there — in complete silence. Well, not complete silence since I was still sniffling and trying to choke down sobs while tears poured down my cheeks. But not one word. No, “what’s wrong?” No, “Are you okay?” No, “I’m sorry I’ve let you down emotionally for 20 years now and I have no idea how to support you or even communicate with you.” Just the ol’ silent treatment…like always…
All this mess really puts a damper on any motivation with the diet. I started off the week really strong, but here I am on Wednesday a complete wreck and not wanting to do a thing. But I did. I didn’t eat the best today, but it wasn’t the worst either. I still made it to the gym, even though I really didn’t want to and I didn’t do my full workout.
I have decided that I need to apply my own philosophy about relationships to myself. Always keep trying. Some effort is better than none, even on my worst days. Like today, I still managed to not eat total crap all day, and even though my workout was lame at least I got one in. Tomorrow, I would be worse off I hadn’t put in any effort today. Always keep plugging away day after day even when the effort far outweighs the reward. And here’s proof that even the slightest effort can pay off — since returning home from vacation a week ago, I have dropped 6 pounds. Just imagine what I could do if I was actually happy . . .
Tonight’s song is “Try a Little Tenderness” by Otis Redding. No explanation needed.
“But it’s all so easy,
All you got to do is try,
Try a little tenderness…”