“You don’t have to be great to start, but you have to start to be great.” Zig Ziglar 

Here goes nothin’…!

My problems with my weight began when I had my first child.  Surprise, surprise!  As with most women, I found that my post-baby body refused to let go of even a fraction of a pound.  I was never overweight before having kids, I was always in shape and my weight was spot on for my 5′ tall medium frame.  But after I became a mom, I would work my ass off for one, sometimes two if I didn’t get too overwhelmed, months to only loose 1 to 2 lbs. Then, I’d get frustrated, grant myself a cheat day, return to my normal eating habits, and gain 1 to 2 pounds plus several more right back in just one week.  All my weight that I accumulated over 4 pregnancies and failed dieting is all still here, just hanging on my body — seriously though, the fat on my abdomen is literally hanging, sagging with all my loose pregnant-belly-skin, and it hurts.  And it breaks out.  And I get yeast infections where the fat/skin rubs against my hips and tops of my legs.  It is the area of my body of which I am most self-conscious, and horribly ashamed.

I have tried nearly all diets that have come and gone since 2000, nothing has worked…UNTIL NOW.  I am sure I will encounter many opinions, criticism, negativity — and I am not prepared for any of it. I am a very sensitive person that takes everything extremely personal.  Try as I might, this is one characteristic about myself I have never been able to change, everything affects me on the inside…but I can cover it fairly well on the outside.  But I’m going to be brave anyways and tell you what has finally started working for me…

A while back, one of my best friends asked if anyone wanted to do a 10 day “shred” with her.  Just a little challenge for ourselves to see if we could stick it out and follow the rules for all 10 days.  What are the rules, you ask? No caffeine, no alcohol, no dairy, no gluten, no processed foods, no artificial or refined sugars, no eating after 6:00pm, tons of water, 7-8 hours of sleep a night, and exercise most days.

By day 3 of the challenge, I was full-on detoxing. I felt like absolute crap, like the day before a really bad cold is about to smack you in the face. I ached, I was tired, I had no appetite, I couldn’t even force myself to drink any extra water.  But on day 4, I woke up completely refreshed and revitalized, and the rest of that challenge was a piece of cake.  I ended up loosing 8 lbs in those 10 days!!!  Then, I was faced with the dilemma of how and what to start adding back in to my diet. Caffeine first, of course!  I added back my morning coffee.  Then, alcohol…hardly a big deal at all, as much as I enjoy my mixed drinks and wines, I drink maybe once every 1 to 2 weeks, so this had no affect on my every day diet. Over that first week post-shred, I continued to loose 2 lbs. Next, I added dairy and minimal sugars at the same time.  Weight loss slowed slightly, I was still loosing 1 lb a week for these next two weeks.


I waited until last to add back the gluten, mainly just because I love my carbs and was afraid over overdoing it.  (I didn’t skip over the processed foods, by the way, I just don’t eat excessive amounts of them to begin with, so no change really.) A little side note, let me tell you how much I cannot stand those people who have taken it upon themselves to decide that gluten is an evil poison and putting it into your body is nothing short of suicide.  These people do not have Celiac’s disease, they’re are not diagnosed as having a gluten sensitivity, they are not medical or nutrition experts…no, I’m talking about the people who jump on whatever bandwagon is getting the most attention at the current time.  I don’t like them, and I do not want to become one of them. I will not become one of them!!! So, there I was, having the best weight loss success — THE ONLY WEIGHT LOSS SUCCESS — I have ever had in my adult life.  I put that damn gluten back in my diet, annnnnnnnd *record screech* the weight loss came to a dead stop.

I will take a quick moment to tell you all that I diligently used the My Fitness Pal app on my phone to track every bite of food and every drink I put in my body.  I needed to make sure that I was not depriving myself of any nutrients or cutting too many calories.  I have goals set on my app for quantities of nutrients, fat, calories, carbs, etc. Even when I added the gluten back in, I was still making sure I stayed within my strict guidelines I had set for myself on my daily carbohydrate intake.  So, simply adding the gluten back in did not mean at all that I was suddenly binging on an entire baguette with dinner or anything…although I could each a whole baguette with just a wheel of Delice de Bourgogne cheese (my favorite cheese in the whole world) with a glass or two of wine for dinner.  Don’t judge me, that cheese is THAT GOOD!

Anywho, back to to it… After one week back on the gluten, I did not loose any weight.  After the second week, I had started to gain weight.  I was devastated. I continued to slowly gain about 1 lb a week after that.  I made a decision when I had gained back 6 lbs: I was going to revisit the 10 day “shred”, but follow the post-shred program a little closer.  This means that post-shred, I will continue a no-dairy, no-gluten diet for an additional 20 days.  I will do as I did before and slowly add back in minimal amounts of caffeine, alcohol, and sugars.  Then, I can see where I stand at the end of the 20 days before I make any decisions on the horrors of gluten.

I am already full in to the “shred” right now. I am on day 8 and I have already lost 8 lbs, still 2 full days to go before my final weigh-in!  I am walking every day. Most days I walk 5K, but on days I’m running short on time or I just need a break, then I just do half of that.  I’m slowly incorporating more spurts of running into my walks, too.  The little bits of running are becoming easier as more weight comes off, and I’m sure I’m gaining muscle, too.

That’s all I’ll throw at you for tonight, folks! We’ve got a loooooong way to go on this weight loss journey, and plenty more to discuss along the way! Time for my nightly herbal tea and rubbing my feet down with some oils, nighty night 😴

~~ Amie


In remembrance…

Yes, this blog is supposed to be all about the daily struggles of dieting — and I know I haven’t given you guys a good first blog post yet — but today didn’t seem like the right day to do it.  I fully intended to give you all the big, official introduction to my adulthood struggle with my weight, but I attended a very special event today that to want to touch on first.

On Friday, September 11, 2009, I was sitting in a room at my doctor’s office staring at the floor while he told me my 11-week old baby inside my belly had died.  I knew something had been wrong all week, and I already knew my doctor was going to say those exact words, but I still clung to a sliver of hope that just maybe my mother’s intuition was wrong.  Immediately afterwards, I barely remember the process of scheduling a procedure for the following Tuesday, a blur of filling out endless forms and signing any paper they shoved in front of my face…and it was all for nothing. The very next day, I miscarried at home, alone with my three children while my husband was at work.  It was fast, not as painful as I had imagined, and it ripped a permanent whole in my heart that will never heal.

I didn’t leave my house for two weeks after.  I only had one friend who didn’t seem to understand that when I said I wanted — no, needed — to be alone, that meant do not try to call and text me constantly.  I needed to be alone with my grief and pain.  Mental, emotional, and physical pain.  Every person who called, texted, emailed, or messaged me in any other form all said the same thing, that they were truly sorry for my loss and that it wasn’t my fault.

Wasn’t my fault?!  Of course it was! I am a woman, one of the things we can do that men can’t is grow a new life inside of us…and I failed.  I had already had 3 completely normal, uneventful, easy pregnancies. I will never be able to shake the thought that I did something wrong this time.  I failed as a woman.  I failed as a mother. Now, people, of course I know on an intellectual level that there is no way anyone will ever know the cause of an early miscarriage.  But try telling that to my heart, the heart’s not having any of that common sense business.

Back to the event I attended today… I participated in the Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day and 5K.  There was a ceremony before the 5K where each person could release a butterfly in honor of their lost baby or babies.  My youngest child came with me and I let her set the butterfly free since she is my little rainbow baby that came along the next year after my loss.  Guys, it was truly heartbreaking, yet uplifting at the same time, to see all of us (mostly strangers to each other) there crying, reliving that pain all over again while our butterflies flew free and our little ones who made it blew bubbles all around us.

No one wants to talk about death, especially the death of a baby.  But maybe if we did, all of us who’ve suffered through these losses wouldn’t be burying our grief everyday, covering it up with forced smiles and fake replies of “oh, I’m fine…” just because we’re afraid of making someone else feel uncomfortable talking about it. Right before I left my house today, I ran back to my piano and grabbed the giant box of Kleenex off the top and crammed it in my purse. Glad I did, too, I passed out tissues like I was running for election.  Tomorrow, I will commit myself to a daily routine of breaking down my dieting and why it is has been my biggest struggle for the last 17 years of my life. I promise.

But for today, I just needed to remember…🦋


Uncategorized, weight loss

Life, death, and all the dieting in between

Here I am, on this beautiful Labor Day in Kansas…sitting inside…on my bed…on my computer…writing a blog.  I *should* be outside doing yardwork, taking the kids to the Sunset Zoo, walking the Konza Prairie trails, strolling around downtown Manhattan and Aggieville, exploring up and down Wildcat Creek, or even dragging my bike out to the driveway so I can pretend I know what to do to fix it and get it on working order again (my neighbors would not be fooled, they know I have no idea what I’m doing).  No, instead, I need to use today to get off my ass and do what I have wanted to do for so long — start a blog.  More specifically, to chronicle my completely unsuccessful efforts at weight loss.  Lately, some things have clicked and I have FINALLY begun shedding some pounds, but I have a long, daunting journey ahead of me.  I will have many setbacks and weak moments, I will cry, I will throw tantrums like a toddler, I will feel defeated, and I will feel like there are people in my life who do not want me to succeed.  Hell, since I’m going to be an open book to you all, sometimes I don’t want me to succeed.

I also need to use this blog to discuss everyday things that happen in life that directly affect weight loss efforts: illness, bad weather, relationships, pregnancy, death, moving, birthday cakes, Thanksgiving dinner, etc.  Its easy for people outside of my bubble to point a finger and say, “Well, I can clearly see that this is your problem, so you need to do this to fix it.  Problem solved!”  Ahh, if only it were that easy, I wouldn’t be sitting here at age 38, almost 75 pounds overweight and hating most — not all, but most — of what I see in the mirror every day.

Today’s small entry is merely a jumping off point to start the blogging process.  We are going to discuss everything on this page, though, as it ALL pertains to my adulthood struggle with weight.  In doing so, I predict that I will be able to become one of those people on the outside, looking back into my own bubble, and being able to identify blatant mistakes I am making that seem so obvious to everyone but me.

Buckle up, people, this is going to be one bumpy, dusty, gravely, rough, Kansas backroad — but the stops along the way are going to be life changing.


P.S. I am a musician at heart (I even have this really expensive, fancy piece of paper from Emporia State University saying I did a few things with music in my life).  Each day, I want to end the blogs with music that captures the day, or represents my emotions or moods on whichever subject I covered.  For today’s music selection, I offer this song, as I am currently overflowing with motivation and excitement for new things and success.  And, being a lifelong Kansas girl, at the moment I can smell prairie fires burning throughout the Flint Hills and the fields are filled with golden, late-summer sunflowers, I leave you with Bea Miller’s “Fire and Gold”